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4/9/2002 06:58:15 PM
Successfully Confused
We're all supposed to be aiming toward success, right? Nobody gets all gung-ho for failure. But I don't know what "success" in life means. In high school it was easy to figure out. Just take some A.P. classes, lead a club or two, play some sports and perform some community service. In college it wasn't much harder. Take classes to fill a major in something you enjoy, and milk grade inflation for all it's worth. Join a student organization and rise through the ranks. Become a star reporter, join a nifty sorority or win a few academic awards. Soon you, too, can earn the respect of profs and peers. But in real life there's a lot more avenues for success. It's up to everyone to figure that out on their own.
And the lens of jealousy distorts everything, too. So-and-so just got a job as editor of such-and-such... wow. Aren't I a failure. Why should I bother. I should just jump off a cliff now... better to burn out than fade away. But really, I wouldn't take that job if you paid me a million dollars, so what the hell am I griping about? Or, maybe I *would* take it. Maybe it's my dream job. But what is a "dream job" anyway? Goals are all well and good, but there's a certain self-defeating element to constructing a dream. Basically, we are not capable of deciding for ourselves what future is good and what future is bad. That's not our burden to wrestle with. Kierkegaard tells us this, and I trust him.
So for example. Maybe my idea of a stellar future is that I want a kick-ass job as a banker. Pretend I get hired at the be-all end-all of banks right out of college. It is The Best Bank Ever. ... But maybe my boyfriend is a thousand miles away, working in a national park while I slave away over a hot computer screen. Is that success, to be lonely and apart? Maybe my dream job is really working for bank a few miles from that national park, so we can sleep in the same cabin and eat Jiffypop cooked over a campfire.
Still I do have some ideas for my flicker of time here.
1) I will surround myself with beautiful things. I will appreciate nature and art and words.
2) I will surround myself with fun things. Like margaritas, Cadbury Eggs and music I can dance to.
3) I will surround myself with interesting people -- like the friends I already have, and, when I find them, other creative dorks and odd ducks.
4) I will learn to live in peace, then show other people how.
5) I will figure out how much I'm capable of loving, and how much someone is capable of loving me.
6) I will remember that the world is big and I am small. I will see as much of it as humanly possible, whether that means inspecting every blade of grass in my backyard or visiting the capitol of every nation.
7) I will leave something behind that will outlive me. Hopefully more than one thing.
That's what I've got so far, for my definition of success. It's a work in progress.
I guess I'm going through a thinking spell right now. I think everyone needs them now and then, to readjust and refocus to a new perspective. Last year was time to immerse myself in the world. Lately it's been time to figure out how to think about the world. Maybe next I'll actually get out of this thoughtful valley and start doing something about it. Maybe in a few years I can look back at this and see how far I've come. Maybe.