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Tuesday, June 25, 2002
update
I've been trying to be honest on this page, but I can't. I can't even say what's going on in my head. I've just graduated from college.... "Congratulations," everyone says, as though I've reached some mark of adulthood, but instead I am sick and sad, like I felt when my mom went away on business trips when I was a little kid. If she went away, would she really come back? And how would anything feel at all normal while she was gone? It's the same sick-sadness that hit me after freshman year, and sophomore year, and leaving Denmark junior year. It's a little less sharp now; so much practice with goodbyes has taken the edge off. But it's still there. I'm still downing Pepto-Bismol and allergy pills, because stress makes my stomach flip-flop and my allergies worsen. Now I have a little more perspective, and I know in my head that I'm not going to die here in this summer heat, in this empty room, like I thought at the end of sophomore year on move-out day. Of course everything will be ok, it always is. It's just the in-between time that hurts.Little things help. Yesterday I climbed the stairs to the El platform, missing Patrick and trying to rationalize that our time apart would go quickly. Then, on the bench on the platform, I saw a beat-up cassette tape. I picked it up and read, "Bruce Springsteen's Greatest Hits". I couldn't do anything for a few minutes but stare at it. When I got home, I popped a few pieces of it back in places and wound up the tape with a pencil. Then I dusted off the tape player and put it in. "Down to the River" began playing, mid-song. I listened to the tape twice as I packed.
00:59
Sunday, June 23, 2002
today
Said goodbye to Patrick. For a little bit. I've since had "Thunder Road" in my head all day. Tara left -- we hugged and cried some more. Then my mom left for the airport. I'm still wearing what I wore to graduation; feeling like Mrs. Havisham as I sweep and pick up remants from yesterday's party. The summer subletter is moving into Tara' s room right now. The weekend has melted into a pool of mental pictures.
15:27
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