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12/03/2005 10:37:00 AM
Stumbling through the dark
"You look so young... have you ever been afraid..." -- The Jayhawks are playing right now in my CD player; the lyrics are in truth unrelated, but that one line keeps getting repeated, and it resonates... I _do_ look so young, and I spend much of my day afraid of kids who are shorter than I am but who talk tougher and act rougher and try to weasel whatever they can out of me. It is a victory if they make a snappy comment for them; they care much less about their test scores and grades. I am so close to quitting, every single day.
There are a few bright spots, including the teacher who shares a classroom with me, a hipster early-30ish fellow with geek-chic glasses and a philosophical indie sensibility, he used to teach college but found the kids too disconnected from reality... the tough-Timberlands-wearing-vegetarian-bashing veteran history teacher who has a catalogue of knowledge about U.S. government the way some people have a canon of baseball stats or rock music.... the kids who (for some unknown reason) walk around the school with me and tell me about their crazy little problems or ask me pesky little questions and pull on my sleeves... they bounce around the school like little ping-pong balls in the Lotto machine.... which ones will get sucked up those clear vaccuum tubes to success... ah, metaphors and similes... I've been teaching that lately... they get it in practice, just not in theory.... they are smarter than I give them credit for....
Everything is hard for me. Let's not forget this. There was nothing that I have ever felt was easy. Not this. Not anything. So. I suppose. Why bother doing something easier? It'll still be hard.
From my improv journal last spring: "The scene is not a trap."
Basically that means the world is not out to get you. Be there, engage in what's around you and find the joy in where you are.